bioneural.net

Oh dear—another rant. For the first time in the history of this blog I'm posting via a dial-up modem connection. Why? Because I thought I would get better value-for-money by changing my ISP to UK Online.

BT Yahoo! Broadband

BT Yahoo! charged £30 per month for a download-limited 1 Mbps connection (although they haven't started enforcing limits yet; our speed was actually bumped up to 2 Mbps with no discernible effect on page page loading times). The extra cost was justified on the basis of bells and whistle features which, to be frank, are next to useless for most users and most certainly useless for Mac users—they're Windows only of course. Because we use .Mac for web space and e-mail (as well as Gmail), all we really wanted was the DSL connection per se. I noted that UK Online were offering unlimited downloads via a 1 Mbps connection for half the price of our BT Yahoo! service.

UK Offline

Great, I thought:

• I already had compatible hardware;
• They specifically said they support Mac;
• They would have me "up and running in 15 working days";
• They dealt with MAC codes, which would make the transition easy with "a period of up to two hours between the cancellation of your old broadband service and activating your new UK Online Broadband".

My order was placed on 10.08.05. Subsequently I got an (apparently automated) e-mail saying my activation date was estimated at 25.08.05. By close of business on 25.08.05 my UK Online account was not authenticating. I sent them two e-mails asking for an update. UK Online's (automated) reply read:

Due to the large volumes of Customer Service e-mail we are currently receiving, we may be unable to respond to your mail as quickly as we would like. Please be assured we will respond to your mail as soon as we possibly can.

I as write this, 8 days later, I haven't had a reply to either. All that happened next was the loss of my BT Yahoo! DSL service.

At least I could receive e-mail via my computer at work. I was surprised to receive, on 31.08.05, an e-mail (again, automated) saying "We are pleased to confirm that your UK Online Broadband service is now up and running."

Disbelieving I phoned UK Online's idea of "support" and was (falsely) reassured that my broadband service was indeed live, and if it wasn't working at the moment I should wait until midnight. WTF? What the hell happens at midnight? Is Cinderella going to pop by in her pumpkin carriage and install a pink slipper into the machine that goes "ping" at the local telephone exchange? Not bloody likely.

I was unable to feign surprise the next morning when the DSL light on my router remained unlit, and it's web interface reported "ADSL Link: Down" and "Can not connect to the PPPoA
server".

I called them again, and when pressed was told there is nothing special about midnight (surprised?), and I should speak to advanced technical support to request a DSL line test. I guess the guy on the "basic" desk couldn't make that request on my behalf, because he didn't have a spare hour to spend on hold either.

In the event 31 minutes on hold got me through to advanced tech support: yes, the problem is at their end. He could say with confidence that the problem was down to a missing a profile on card 1-68 at local exchange preventing authentication. The BT engineer had been notified. A call-back was requested for when the problem was fixed. But no ETA on the fix... no commitment whatsoever.

On 1.9.05 it took "just" 15 min to answer (hey, they're exceeding themselves). I wanted to know if someone was really on the case. They supposedly were, but because they didn't know the cause of the problem (allegedly the tech guy spoke with the on-site engineer), they still couldn't say if I would get a service next day, next week, or next month. As a
very small consolation I was given a freephone number for dial-up Internet access. I'd like to say the the screeching modem was nostalgic—but the line-by-line loading of web pages soon destroyed any warm fuzzy feelings.

I timed my calls to UK Online (0845 333 3322). I gave up after 20 minutes on hold twice, once after 30 minutes, and got a response after 31 minutes and after 15 minutes. That's a total of not far off 2 hours of elevator music for technical support I didn't need—it's not me with the problem (and we haven't got the phone bill yet). I couldn't resist phoning the sales number—for the purposes of scientific investigation, understand? I did this twice, and in each case my call was answered in less than one minute. Now
what does this tell you about their priorities? Why do I feel like I've been mugged; they got my money and I got a kick in the teeth...

My "impression" of UK Online is quite succinct: they don't give a sh**t. I'm concerned that cancelling with them seems as frustrating as trying to sign up with them. I'm also concerned that doing so will only prolong the agony of being
(effectively) offline. Better the devil you know, eh?

In the meantime (with all that spare time from not being online) I designed them a new branding logo:

I'll let you know when I get DSL again—and who ends up providing it.

Update: Well, what do you know: UK Online have given us DSL (06.09.05). The relevant statistics for anyone considering signing up with UK Online are:

• Time to live service: 27 days;
• Time offline: 12 days;
• Time to call-back as promised twice: still waiting;
• Time to reply to e-mail sent 25.08.05: 14 days;
• Time to reply to subsequent e-mails: still waiting;
• Time on hold: 116 minutes at National rates.

Update 07.10.05: I got a phone call from Technical Support asking if I had any outstanding issues. I explained the DSL service was running as advertised since 06.09.05 but that I had felt compelled to cancel my WorldPay agreement. I was given a freephone number (that's a welcome change) so apart from my time and tying up the phone for the 38 minutes on hold to Billing, it didn't cost. I informed UK Online I had already paid for one month of actual service, so was prepared to restart payments from 06.10.05. They said the WorldPay agreement could not be restarted "because you cancelled it" so they would take this month on a credit card and send a direct debit mandate for future payments. I was also warned that if they didn't receive the November payment on time my service would be cancelled.

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